Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
