i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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