i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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