Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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