I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
