i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
