I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
