go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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