I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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