my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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