The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
