Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
