Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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