if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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