I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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