you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
