I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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