just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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