Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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