she looked like the bat from fern gully.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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