I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
