Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
