The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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