I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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