apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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