so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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