dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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