did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
