Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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