Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
