Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
