We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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