I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
