elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
