Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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