Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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