If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
