we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
