My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
