He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
