my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
