I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
