don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
