I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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