Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
