Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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