If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
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i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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