I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
