What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
