And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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