apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
