Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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