Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
