I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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