I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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