I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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